Thursday, April 25, 2013

Over sharing

Spring has arrived in my small town.
I've been keeping this blog under wraps since I created it. For now, that's how I like it. However, something happened yesterday.
Yesterday, I accidentally shared a link on my personal Facebook page leading any of my relatives to this blog. For a whole hour or more before I realized what had happened, my FB page publicly showed the link. Most of the 'friends' I have on my personal FB friends are related to me. I have my mom, brothers and sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles as friends, so they all had access to this blog. Not to mention my past coworkers, ex-boyfriends, and people I went to primary and high school with. Even though I changed the names of my family members on my blog here, my family will still be able to pick out which characters they are.
How could I have done such a thing, right? Well, I had this bright idea to make a Facebook page dedicated to this blog, listing links to my latest postings. That way readers could get updates through FB, and they could link to the blog easily whenever they were on  FB. This page was totally separate from my regular FB account. Until I "liked" it from my personal FB account. Seriously! Why would I do that? I must have been in a state of deep brain fog when I hit that "like" button. I thought I was "liking" from my blog account, not my personal account. I really thought I could keep a private FB page dedicated to this blog, but separate from my personal account. I see now that's not an option. I might set up a page on Google Plus, since I don't have family there.
I laugh now at what happened. True, I did experience a wave of cold fear washing over me at the moment. Then anger at myself for not realizing I had leaked the link myself. Then anger at my family for being so nuts that a simple blog has to be kept private from them. Then a feeling of "who cares?" I stayed at the "who cares" level for the rest of the afternoon.
I played out what would have happened if my family had the time in that one hour to read any juicy parts. Or if another relative read it and gossiped about it to another relative, and it got back to my parents and siblings. What's the worst that could have happened?
I would get weird looks at the next family reunion or get together. I would look at them and know that they know my inner most secrets, and that I know what they know. But what of that? Should I care? What do odd looks mean to me? Trust me, I get strange looks and judgemental looks from them on a regular basis, so what is that to me if I get stared at and shamed more? Nobody would dare to bring up the subject to me, though because my family does not do confrontation. They will talk about you, but not to your face.
They could refuse to see me or visit me. Not a big deal because they don't make an effort to do so now. They could refuse to help me in the future if I ever need help. But again, this also is a mute point because they haven't done so in the past when I was at my lowest.
I've always had a difficult time expressing myself to my family because each thing I said or did was judged, condemned, torn apart. And I was too much of a good girl to stand up to them and say- "That's not very loving." So I don't have much experience doing this. I've been trying to lately, but it's still new. I know now I have nothing to fear, but the old automatic pilot mode of shame and fear still runs on "on" mode a little. I'm realizing more that shame and fear are facades, and that I don't operate this way anymore. That's why I was able to just laugh yesterday afternoon after I calmed down. I got back into my normal stride like nothing much had happened. 
There's this saying, "Don't cast your pearls among swine." Meaning, it's not wise to speak wisdom around unenlightened people who will chew you up and spit you out.  Some things are best discussed in private amongst people who are on the same level and are supportive. Another reason I don't like Facebook. Mass sharing is bound to cause trouble when we are all not on the same wavelength. People who don't have the full story and not in the loop misconstrue information and feelings are hurt. For me, it's more beneficial to communicate only certain things to certain groups of people.
I'll change my blog's URL, then I'll be back on track here. If a family member still ends up finding the blog, so be it. More power to them. I'm going to believe that this person will be so loving that they will congratulate me on my honesty and desire to express how I'm transforming into a more loving person while sharing it in this blog. It's vital for me at this point in my life that I have an outlet like this. So I'm going to keep sharing. However, for now I'm just going to share with friends who are supportive.

Friday, April 19, 2013


{photo by Yuki Karo}

I have been feeling like life is quite magical, lately. I am excited about the future. I am encouraged because my physical health is improving.  It's evening now, and my living room window is open. I'm sitting on the couch with my feet up. I can hear night sounds coming in through the window, and the breeze is warm in the dark. Gravel crunching when a stray car drives by, an occasional dog barking. I haven't turned any lamps on yet. Maybe I'll sit in the dark for awhile more.

I've left my house for a total of five times in the last month and a half. That is a record. The last few years, it was the norm to get out only four times in a year. Yep, you heard right, four times a year. Usually I would try to make it out for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter at the homestead and maybe a niece or nephew's bday party some time in the summer. But trust me, those occasions were not pretty. Full of apprehension, feet dragging, not wanting to go, crying, panic, fatigue, shaking, weakness, nausea. However, after four years, I think this picture is actually starting to change! Several weeks ago I went over to my brother's house for dinner. Then a week later to my family's house for Easter. Then I went to Rite Aid for some shampoo with my sister, and afterwards we drove around the neighborhood. Then last week I went to the doctor for a new patient visit, and afterwards went to Subway with Karl. We didn't eat there, Karl just got a sub to go. Then I went last weekend to get blood work drawn. Even though I had a migraine, it was a piece of cake and I was so calm. Today I went with Karl to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy and even wandered around in a leisurely way in the make up aisle. This is huge progress. I'll do a post soon about my improved health the last few months.

But back to the subject of getting out of the house. For the last three years, I've felt like I've been trapped in a tower like some fairy tale character. Like Rapunzel who was locked in a tower by some witch. She goes and lets down her braid and this prince climbs up and rescues her. He doesn't rescue me, though. It's me and only me who is in charge of getting me out of the tower. It is a bit lonely up here. My family doesn't have the inclination or time to come spend a visit with me. Word has spread around my family that I'm dabbling in eastern religions and want to address the hidden abuse going on in the family. So understandably they  do not want to associate with me. I love them dearly, but this is their choice, and their toxins aren't healthy for me to absorb anyway. I'm living in this small town that I had been absent from for 8 years. I didn't have friends when I lived here before, only males who were potential boyfriends. They aren't living around here now. I had a few acquaintances who were fellow colleagues from the school in NYC where I used to live, but when I became sick they didn't know how to relate to me and dropped off the radar. When we would try to connect, it would be awkward, full of polite condolences. I am not comfortable with sympathy because it leads to no conclusion.  It just leaves us both hanging there with nothing to say. The acquaintances would ask me if I was better yet, and because I couldn't say yes, there was nothing more to talk about since I don't like discussing symptoms. So the friend department is quite empty. This blog is my way of opening the windows of this tower, opening up my heart and soul and hoping to connect with like minded future friends.
So I say that I'm in a tower. That the illness keeps me locked up in my house, too ill to leave. But I do discredit myself when I look at it this way. This is a season, and it will pass. But more than that, a tower conjurs up this negative impression of something I should resist. However, I don't resist my current set up... I am accepting and embracing it, even relishing the good stuff that inevitably happens in my day every now and again.

You'd think I'd be in a state of panic, fear and depression these days based on the external stuff going on around me. When things start getting ludicrous, I feel myself stepping outside of myself and almost smiling. I watch the situation as if I'm a third person in the room, safely outside of the situation. I don't take it personally, and I know I am free, not trapped. I know that the universe is me and that things can't help but turn out amazingly. I know that I am love, I am so loved, and that so  many others love me, even if I don't know their names or who they are yet. That wherever I step, the universe is there to support me perfectly.
I've been a little confused as to how I should respond to recent developments in the toxicity of my family. The more I fight against it, as in refusing to speak about what's happening, or trying to stay away from certain family members, the more they show up and the more firey and toxic they become.  I understand the concept of "what you resist, persists." Yesterday, though, this concept seemed to take on a bit of new meaning. I was listening to a Wayne Dyer conference, where he mentioned the 36th verse of the Tao de Ching.
"Should you want to contain something, you must deliberately
let it expand. 
Should you want to weaken something, you must deliberately
 let it grow strong.
Should you want to eliminate something, you must deliberately
allow it to flourish.
Should you want to take something away, you must deliberately
grant it access."
{photo by Guilia Geranium}
Ah hah! I'm going to try this. I am here in this moment for a reason. I will keep stepping back and simply observing. I know I'm getting stronger, and I know I'm manifesting more healthy, loving relationships around me.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


Our patio, coffee and OJ on the table.

I'm not sure why I always want to press the fast forward button in life. Or why I don't want to talk about, accept and embrace what my reality is currently. Right now I'd like to be so much more mature, more loving, more harmonious, resolving situations wisely and lovingly, attracting peaceful situations. Right now I'd like to be living in the future, and if I'm still blogging then, I would like to report that I had a great Easter, that my family is harmonious and loving, and the day was warm and gorgeous. I'd have all these photos of us laughing, with me lively and strong. Or maybe I'd spend Easter elsewhere, picnicking outdoors at a park with a group of friends who are on my wavelength and are accepting, loving, peaceful, and full of the life. I don't quite want to report how Easter actually went. But this blog is of it's very nature honest. In the end, I do choose to be authentic, even if I want to project something beyond what I am.
So, I went to the homestead for Easter. It turned out pretty well. For the last year or so when I'd attempt to get in a car to head to the homestead, I would get weirded out and have this internal fight inside that would make me feel super anxious, dizzy and immobilized. I would end up crying hysterically and fighting nausea, and we would end up turning around and heading home, or we would go the whole way to the homestead and I would enter in the front door trembling and weak.
However, not this time. I rode along to the homestead with Thalia and Gloria, who was staying with us for the weekend. I feel safe with them, as we are each in tune with each other. It was so wonderful just hopping in the car with them, and not even having to think for a second about anything negative happening. It was like they were these warm, friendly buffers around me, and I felt natural and relaxed during the drive there. I was perfectly fine. Karl drove the two hours to his family's house for Easter. I would have went with him, except I'm not up for long trips yet.
I was impressed at how a few particular things turned out over Easter. Thalia had a long, engaging conversation with Clark. I was shocked. She was friendly and pleasant. He tried to bait both of us by bringing up a story of his one friend who was abused by a Christian father, and who turned in disgust from the Christian faith and embraced Buddhism, eventually becoming a Buddhist professor at some local college. Thalia didn't take the bait. She just ambled on in the conversation in a cordial manner. Later she told me that she felt empowered because she confronted him and spoke with him. She said she also felt sad for him because he was sending out low vibrations as to his negativity, his sense of worthlessness, and how he didn't think he'd ever get a good job. So she was trying to lay some groundwork in showing him that he is valuable and worthy.
We had an old fashioned ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, creamed corn, fried sweet potatoes, green beans and chicken corn soup. The normal Easter basics, but delicious. I tried everything and my taste buds were singing. It is still a treat for me to be able to go literally anywhere, to any one's house, and to eat whatever meal they serve. It's like the sky is the limit. I used to have food allergies for almost three years. I could eat only five safe foods every day for three years. I've been allergy free for almost 11 months now. It's like I was set free from a prison. It is still quite amazing to taste different foods.

Oooh. Change of topic. I wanted to share how I've been watching this series "Call the Midwife" Season 1 on Netflix recently. There's only one season though! Bugger! I am a sucker for authentic portrayals of the 1950's. This show was set during this time period in south London, so you get the awesome accents. The slang is quite unique, phrases like, "stepping out with a chap," or "She's packed him in," or "She's up to her arm pits in bother," or "It would be a gas."

I discovered this other series on Netflix, "McLeod's Daughters," a few months back. It is set in Australia, on this old sprawling ranch. The accents are full of texture, the slang is refreshing, and the scenery is breath taking. Even the birds sound different down under. The characters ride around on horses, shear sheep, fix windmills and herd cattle. Their hair is a mess, or just slapped back in pony tails, they don't bother with make up and they wear basic jeans and T's. The natural look is under rated. I started speaking slang after 11 seasons (or was it 9?) of this show... stuff like the standard "G'day, mate," to "good on you, mate," or "I stuffed up." One draw back though is that the series is basically a soap opera. I was able to get past this only because of gorgeous scenery, the horses and the accents. Have I mentioned that I'm planning on moving to Australia so I can live on a horse ranch and herd cattle, too? I imagine I could do the same here in the states, but it looks so much more appealing over there. Or maybe that's just because it's a TV show, so it probably seems more appealing there than it really is. Well, any excuse to travel is a good excuse.
Maggie as a kitten a few months ago, fully alert and ready to pounce.

On another note, I wanted to share how Maggie's been doing. She's been a changed cat lately. Since we started keeping her in the kitchen at nights, she has become a strong love bug to the first person who wakes up and lets her out of her "house." When I am the first person to free her, she is all purring and head butting me with her face with this intense cat love. Then she'll spend at least 10 minutes greeting me affectionately, letting me pet her. She's also jumping up on my lap more in the evenings, curling up in a ball and purring. This is new for her. I am honored, because her old routine for the last four months in the evenings was to come put a paw on my lap, meoww, turn around, and hop into Karl's lap, pretty much dissing me for the night in favor of him. But since she got fixed, she has become quite the different girl. She has this new habit of laying by the front door whenever any certain person in the house is missing. Apparently she does this when I go out on a walk. Karl says she lays waiting there until I come back. She did it when Karl first left to visit his family. After Gloria had stayed with us for a few days, Maggie decided that Gloria was a household member. When Gloria left yesterday, Maggie laid by the door for several hours, waiting for her to come back too.
Well, it's time for lunch. Will write more later.