Magic

{photo by Yuki Karo}

I have been feeling like life is quite magical, lately. I am excited about the future. I am encouraged because my physical health is improving.  It's evening now, and my living room window is open. I'm sitting on the couch with my feet up. I can hear night sounds coming in through the window, and the breeze is warm in the dark. Gravel crunching when a stray car drives by, an occasional dog barking. I haven't turned any lamps on yet. Maybe I'll sit in the dark for awhile more.

I've left my house for a total of five times in the last month and a half. That is a record. The last few years, it was the norm to get out only four times in a year. Yep, you heard right, four times a year. Usually I would try to make it out for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter at the homestead and maybe a niece or nephew's bday party some time in the summer. But trust me, those occasions were not pretty. Full of apprehension, feet dragging, not wanting to go, crying, panic, fatigue, shaking, weakness, nausea. However, after four years, I think this picture is actually starting to change! Several weeks ago I went over to my brother's house for dinner. Then a week later to my family's house for Easter. Then I went to Rite Aid for some shampoo with my sister, and afterwards we drove around the neighborhood. Then last week I went to the doctor for a new patient visit, and afterwards went to Subway with Karl. We didn't eat there, Karl just got a sub to go. Then I went last weekend to get blood work drawn. Even though I had a migraine, it was a piece of cake and I was so calm. Today I went with Karl to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy and even wandered around in a leisurely way in the make up aisle. This is huge progress. I'll do a post soon about my improved health the last few months.

But back to the subject of getting out of the house. For the last three years, I've felt like I've been trapped in a tower like some fairy tale character. Like Rapunzel who was locked in a tower by some witch. She goes and lets down her braid and this prince climbs up and rescues her. He doesn't rescue me, though. It's me and only me who is in charge of getting me out of the tower. It is a bit lonely up here. My family doesn't have the inclination or time to come spend a visit with me. Word has spread around my family that I'm dabbling in eastern religions and want to address the hidden abuse going on in the family. So understandably they  do not want to associate with me. I love them dearly, but this is their choice, and their toxins aren't healthy for me to absorb anyway. I'm living in this small town that I had been absent from for 8 years. I didn't have friends when I lived here before, only males who were potential boyfriends. They aren't living around here now. I had a few acquaintances who were fellow colleagues from the school in NYC where I used to live, but when I became sick they didn't know how to relate to me and dropped off the radar. When we would try to connect, it would be awkward, full of polite condolences. I am not comfortable with sympathy because it leads to no conclusion.  It just leaves us both hanging there with nothing to say. The acquaintances would ask me if I was better yet, and because I couldn't say yes, there was nothing more to talk about since I don't like discussing symptoms. So the friend department is quite empty. This blog is my way of opening the windows of this tower, opening up my heart and soul and hoping to connect with like minded future friends.
 

So I say that I'm in a tower. That the illness keeps me locked up in my house, too ill to leave. But I do discredit myself when I look at it this way. This is a season, and it will pass. But more than that, a tower conjurs up this negative impression of something I should resist. However, I don't resist my current set up... I am accepting and embracing it, even relishing the good stuff that inevitably happens in my day every now and again.

You'd think I'd be in a state of panic, fear and depression these days based on the external stuff going on around me. When things start getting ludicrous, I feel myself stepping outside of myself and almost smiling. I watch the situation as if I'm a third person in the room, safely outside of the situation. I don't take it personally, and I know I am free, not trapped. I know that the universe is me and that things can't help but turn out amazingly. I know that I am love, I am so loved, and that so  many others love me, even if I don't know their names or who they are yet. That wherever I step, the universe is there to support me perfectly.

 

I've been a little confused as to how I should respond to recent developments in the toxicity of my family. The more I fight against it, as in refusing to speak about what's happening, or trying to stay away from certain family members, the more they show up and the more firey and toxic they become.  I understand the concept of "what you resist, persists." Yesterday, though, this concept seemed to take on a bit of new meaning. I was listening to a Wayne Dyer conference, where he mentioned the 36th verse of the Tao de Ching.

 

"Should you want to contain something, you must deliberately

let it expand. 

 

Should you want to weaken something, you must deliberately

 let it grow strong.

 

Should you want to eliminate something, you must deliberately

allow it to flourish.

 

Should you want to take something away, you must deliberately

grant it access."
 

{photo by Guilia Geranium}

 

Ah hah! I'm going to try this. I am here in this moment for a reason. I will keep stepping back and simply observing. I know I'm getting stronger, and I know I'm manifesting more healthy, loving relationships around me.