Thursday, April 30, 2015

Bog of singing frogs

These are the enchanted woods, and this is the trail that leads to the bog.
There is a bog of singing frogs down the trail a five minute walk away from my yard. In the evening, in the dark, they start to sing. It's magic. It's soothing. The world slows down, and I sigh.

Even better is to be on the trail surrounded by them. The bog singing on the right, a chorus to the left by the creek, the sound surrounding me and massaging away any stress or tension. There is only breathing now, only nature, only dark shadows and humid spring air. Only the smell of the trees and damp warm earth, only the crunch of gravel underneath.

Breath. It's so easy now. What is it about the texture of this surround sound, this soothing group of throaty singers. It's like the barrage of thousands of tiny droplets of water from the shower head massaging my skin, each little peeper singing, hundreds of them, all around me.

Right down the road. When I take the pup out at night in my yard one last time before he goes to sleep, I hear them. They don't sing during the day, just when it's dark. I didn't hear them last summer, though. But then again, I didn't go out at night then since I didn't have a dog then who needed to go out that late. This is yet another reason I'm glad to have Sparky! He gets me outside a lot more, and we walk on this trail often.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Changes in the air

I don't have a thick skin to start out with. I'm a sensitive person. So when someone disappears from my life because I gave them access to this blog, I get pretty upset. This happened recently, twice. I really need to stop giving this blog address to friends and potential friends. Or perhaps I should feel out people more before letting them in the inner circle here. But I'm not going to tame down what I write about here. I write about raw, personal events in my life. That's what I do. I would write even more openly, in a more unfettered way if I felt more anonymous. I might play around with the idea of anonymity in future blogging.

I'm really over living a life of silent pretense. This is my place to live fearless and fierce. So those who can't handle me will have to fall away and I will just shake it off. I'm going to be true to myself first and foremost.

So in honor of that spirit, I would like to share that I am in a new place in my life. Two roads are open in front of me, and I'm terrified of making a choice. I'm riding the rails of both choices right now.

My heart and body belong down south in the luxurious humidity of a warm climate. I dream of Florida, and have since age five. Ask anyone who knows me even half well, and they will tell you about my dream to move there. My mind throws at me reason after reason to stay put where I am now, but my heart can't be squelched. My heart is foolish, rebellious, drunkenly courageous. The 'what ifs' and 'how will you ever make it on your own' kind of thoughts fly at me but I am floating without touching earth. When my feet do touch down, I will have landed far from this little town in PA.

Why leave my home here, you ask? To put it simply, I don't belong. I have no family ties to keep me here. My heart is too warm for the frosty winters here. My health always improves in the summers when its sunny and hot, and I can get outside and be active. I wish summer could last all year round, then my health could continue to improve. Also, K and I are not on the same page, and haven't been for some time. Living with him is a constant trigger to the past, living on edge waiting for his next fit of anger, his next attack. Emotionally, leaving him will be a balm to my spirit.

I have a couple ideas in the works as far as working from home, or the home I will make for myself once I move from here. The problem is that I'm honestly still not well enough to be working even from home, at least in the areas that I'm considering. But this doesn't spell defeat, and its not a roadblock. I don't give up easily.

I'm also attracted to the idea of living in an intentional community like Twin Oaks. I wish there were more communities like this. In a perfect world, there would be communities like this. I haven't yet left my abusive marriage because I can't yet make it on my own in the world due to my health. But in an intentional community, my health wouldn't be an issue, and I wouldn't need a husband to support me. The community would take care of me. My only 'job' in the community would be doing things I do in my home anyway. In a community like Twin Oaks, you have free health insurance, you don't have bills, you don't pay rent or utilities, you don't pay for groceries, you don't need a car, and someone in the group runs errands so you wouldn't ever have to leave the community if you didn't want to. So if you have trauma related agoraphobia, such as is my case, you can feel safe in knowing you don't ever have to leave the safety of the community. 
In exchange for the community support, you contribute your effort in the form of work that you enjoy doing, whether it's cleaning, landscaping, cooking, working on the farm with the animals or in the fields, or helping out in the community businesses such as seed cataloguing, plant care or basket weaving. Or you fix or build things if you want. Some of these things I could do quite easily. There isn't a time clock to punch... you set your own hours for some of these projects. This would be ideal for me since I need to take rest breaks, and I never know how well I am going to feel at any particular moment until that moment is occurring.
Also, you don't need to worry if you are a loner without friends or family, such as is my case. The community would be my new family and circle of friends.  The Twin Oaks farm is out in the middle of nature in a peaceful setting. This would help me with relaxation and healing.
Living in a community setting instead of being married to K or anyone at all is probably a good idea for me. I won't have to worry about any man thinking he has ownership of me and has the right to control and scream at me out of the blue. I also won't be expected to have sex. After the trauma of last summer, sex is really the last thing I'm interested in right now. Although, I'm not sure if my disinterest in sex is due to the trauma with my father, or just because I'm not exactly in a loving relationship right now.
I'm quite attracted to the idea of living in an intentional community. So far, Twin Oaks and it's sister farm Acorn are at the top of my list. However, they are both in Virginia, which is warmer in the winters than Pennsylvania is, but is still not warm enough for me. If I could find a solid intentional community like Twin Oaks that is located in Florida, heck, even Arizona or California, I would move there.
And so, dear readers, I am exploring my options and am quite certain that things will work out.

It's late April here, and the weather has topped out in the mid 50's as a high the last couple week. I can't wait until it warms up. There are a number of projects that I'd like to do here. I am planning to get a fence put in around the yard, as well as landscaping and a new flight of wooden steps outside. I've been interviewing contractors and reviewing plans, and am excited about the process of making things look nice here. Sparky will really enjoy a fenced in yard to run in.

So I have one foot in a set of projects here, and one foot in the process of potentially leaving. It feels messy making plans on both sides.

I told K that I wanted to leave. I told him that I would have left him three years ago if it wasn't for my illness and not being able to work. We've only been married about three years. He knows I want to go. But he also knows that if he changes his ways, I won't leave. I don't ask for a lot, just normal decent kindness. No verbal or emotional abuse. If he was a kind man, I wouldn't want to leave, even though I don't like the cold winters here.

I've been thinking over another option that is quite appealing: getting into a marriage of convenience with a gay man who lives in some warm state. I have the physical strength to easily be a housewife... I do it now. I cook and clean, make lively conversations, etc. I just can't leave the house due to agoraphobia. So he would have to be OK with that. And if he wanted to adopt, I would fall in love with him a hundred times over even though he wouldn't reciprocate, LOL. K does not want to adopt and I don't have the health or strength to bare kids.

So I'm at a turning point right now. Stay or go, go or stay.

I got a note delivered to my email from the "Universe" a couple days ago. I get daily notes sent from this dear entity, and they often are spot on as far as what I need to hear. So this particular note reads as follows:

There is no choice you've ever made, AJ,
nor any you will ever make,
that will limit you as much as you may fear.
Nor even limit you at all.
How cool is that?
Yes, that is cool. Thank you, Universe!