Sunday, January 13, 2013


My name is not Phoenix, by the way. My friends call me AJ. I might name my future child or next pet Phoenix.  But in any case, a phoenix is the epitome of rebirth, and this blog is indeed a tale of my transformation. I am being transformed by love. I am healing from emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical abuse, and I'm also healing from the illnesses of CFIDS/ME, PTSD, POTS/Dysautonomia, and Adrenal Fatigue. After a lifetime of believing toxic ideas about myself and the world, I've come into the light and now know who I really am. It's like life makes sense now. It's like I'm a kid again, discovering the world for the first time. 

Me reading on a lazy, Saturday morning

I've always loved to write, and have kept a journal on and off pretty much since I was a kid. A word of warning, I don't write what is neat, polished and socially acceptable. I don't write what I think people want to hear. I write what is real and raw. If some resonates with you, then we share a moment of humanity together, which is why I'm writing. I would love to have people relate to me in some way, to tell me that despite all the wierdness, quirkiness and abnormalness of my upbringing and current situation, that you too can relate. Being super shy, I've always loved people and have been fascinated by social interaction, but I've never had a best friend, close friends, or.... most recently, friends at all. So hopefully there is something here that resonates with you... my reader, because this is my way of feeling connected to the outer world.

So, to dive right in. My sister Thalia has been teaching me over the last year about the concept of manifesting. Mani-what? I really thought Thalia went over the edge when she first started telling me about this. She and I watched some Abraham Hicks videos together last fall, and Thalia told me that whatever came to me in life was a result of my own creation. That I had thrown out a boomerang and it was just simply coming back to me.  If I said something she construed as negative, she would say, "You are throwing your boomerang!" I had no clue what she was saying, but I assumed it wasn't good to throw my boomerang. Or maybe I wasn't throwing it the right way?  Her sports related metaphor went right over my head, right where any sports related reference would go. We would be cooking dinner, and she would say, "Now Gumpie, thoughts become things. You know that, right?" I will let it slide that Gumpie is indeed one of my nicknames. T would also tell me, "You create your own reality." Last year I thought T was off her rocker, but harmless. I indulged her ideas, but I didn't understand what she was talking about.

Fast forward over a year's time and somehow, just like my sister did, and just like the proverbial Alice did, I too fell into the rabbit hole. I didn't even know I fell into it. And this rabbit hole doesn't even have a name right now. Should it? My perception of the world, people and life has been flipped upside down and shaken so that a shit load of most of my beliefs have fallen out, completely obsolete. And my mind has been left lighter, clearer, happier! I guess it took about about a year and a half to two years for this process to really kick into gear. I don't even know that I asked for this or knew it was happening, but I was tired of bullshit around me. The process has been slightly torturous. But irrisistable and enticing as it was painful. But enough about that. I am here to talk about manifesting.

This blog is going to be about how I take back my power in life. I am a creator, and what happens "to" me and around me isn't by coincidence... my thoughts play a direct role. I can feel change in the air, and I know I'm done being a passive receiver in life. I can manifest change in my life. There's something amazing is in the air, in me, in you, in nature, in life, in the layers of what is underneath what you can't see with your eyes. Whatever "it" is.... and I don't think that it can be named, otherwise it would cease to be... I've just discovered it, and the curtain is pulled back. The veil of illusion is no longer, and my once closed mind is open.

This is where the magic happens, and I'm going to write about it here, disguised underneath the daily, seemingly quiet events of my life. I may think my life is quiet, but it is a hum of activity and synchronistic events, unfolding exactly as it should all at just the right time.




  1. Hi AJ,

    Welcome back !! Had been missing you and reading your blog :)

    I have had some experiences with Manifestation myself, will post them later when I get the time to write some thoughts..

    Meanwhile, keep writing- your writings are prolific...Best wishes-B


    1. Would love to hear how you are manifesting! I had to take the blog down a bit because my family accidentally discovered it, and I moved it to a new url. It's all good now, though. :)


    2. I find this difficult to believe..are you saying your family did not know of the blog you were maintaining ? You had all pictures (including yourself and family pictures) up there, so it was sure in public domain then?

    3. Believe it. I have all these family pictures and more on my Facebook page, so anyone on the web can see them there. My family is on FB and they don't mind. Photos aren't an issue. As to the blog being public... good luck to anyone trying to find it. Even I can't find it when doing extensive searches. The internet is a mighty huge ocean when you're looking for a speck of plankton. I have a link to this blog on CZ, so for now the only people who find it followed that obscure link. Or if I comment on a blog, that blog author can see on my avatar's profile a link to this blog. But that's it. As far as privacy goes, this is my life and my story. It's not like I'm publishing my story as a book. My family happens to be in my life story, but I've changed their names, and of course I'm not giving out my first or last name here, or theirs. If I'm going to write a blog, I'm going to write a blog. Including the nitty gritty stuff. I'll cover my bases and protect their names, but I'm not going to bore myself by over censoring and churning out unspecific, general stuff. :)

  2. Hi AJ, I understand what you are saying....
    Just that am a bit concerned that just like your family discovered the earlier blog, they could stumble upon this one also any time. Which could spell some trouble for your perhaps :(

    As per my observation, you have gone quite deep into some your personal and family details and I admire the courage to say it. On reading many of your blogs, I can almost see that you have penned down your raw feelings and not hesitated to call a spade a spade. I do admire that and like hearing out AJ :)

  3. Hi B, My blog isn't searachable through the web, so they can't find it. Also, I switched my blog url so they've never had access to the new address. The way I see it, you can look at anything in life from only one of two perspectives: fear or love. I'm choosing love, so I guess there's nothing to be afraid of. Cheers! -AJ

  4. Hey AJ,

    I was reading an article from a spiritual teacher this weekend which was based on exactly the same concept that everthing in life can be essentially viewed from two perspectives: Fear or Love. So every human action is also driven by one of these two emotions.

    You said the same thing, bang on spot.
    So fully agree with you there...great and similar thinking :) - B

  5. Isn't that funny how that happens? Once your eyes are opened, you see truths everywhere. :) -AJ


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