Friday, October 30, 2015

Secretive

 
I don't know if I'll ever shake the need to be secretive. About, like, everything. Even writing this blog is a big stepping off point for me. It still feels taboo to be actually writing things that anyone could find and read.

Growing up in a highly religious home with a parent who cross examined everything I did, looking for sin and finding it where there was none... helped me unconsciously fall into the habit of feeling like I was sinning when I wasn't. I thought I was sinning pretty much most of the time even though looking back I know now I wasn't.  The hyper focus on sin has made me cross examine every little thing I do even now. I'm always fearfully looking over my shoulder, carefully dotting my I's and crossing my T's. I feel guilty about things that are innocent, like this blog. 

I was talking to one of my sisters the other day about being afraid to 'like' anything on social media. We talked about the need to make a pseudo account for ourselves so we could express ourselves more freely. The thing is, nobody that I'm 'friends' with on social media would think twice to question or guilt trip me on expressing myself. Yet, I still don't feel safe expressing myself. Being bland and colorless, saying nothing, is easier. Safer.
 
I remember what it was like being a sensitive soul as a child, traumatized and judged within an inch of breathing... and I just do not want to put myself out there and risk a replay of that scenario.

The fear is still there.

But not as much as it used to be.

Subconscious motto of the past: Someone's on to you.
New motto: You're safe to express yourself!
I'm re-parenting my inner child and telling her that I approve of this blog. I approve of her courage in expressing herself. I approve, and she is safe.




















Images:
1.http://beffnai.tumblr.com/
2. self

2 comments:

  1. My anti-anxiety mantra recently became "I am safe" for similar reasons. I don't even feel safe alone because I somehow feel scrutinized all the time - it's self-scrutiny that I internalized from childhood, but I project it on to others and find myself thinking "so-and-so would think you were a real loser, doing [insert completely normal, innocent thing here]." This is especially damaging when I'm dating someone and put them in that role in my head. I get distant and fearful, and they have no idea why.

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    1. I love your mantra, "I am safe." I know how difficult it is to reprogram yourself, but you are on the right track! Something that has helped me is self hypnosis for anxiety, with mantras similar to your own. Falling asleep listening to these affirming mantras has been a big help to me lately. Much love to you! <3

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