Thursday, June 13, 2013

Adrenaline rushes

Sometimes I get these adrenaline rushes that are so strong and fierce. I have supplements I take that blunt them for a half hour or so, then I have to take more. Sometimes even supplements can't muffle it, and so I am forced out the door by the energy pulsing in me. It's not fun energy though. It's a toxic, angry energy that says, "I'm going to scream and hurt somebody if I don't get out the door and walk the adrenaline off."
Usually when this hits, I have to resort to angry iTunes. Yesterday it was Lenny Kravitz, and today Lady Gaga. I am carried by the urgency and anger, and it propels me forward. Today was a windy, hot day and I was sweating, but the wind was so ferocious it felt like it could lift me off the pavement. I imagined leaning into the wind so it could take me up. I wanted to just leap up and fly and shake the toxins and anger off of me, leaving it behind. But the right moment didn't come for that to happen, so instead I imagined my anger and rage leaving me each time my feet hit the pavement. The walk ended up being cathartic, just as it usually does.
I think I'm detoxing some heavy metals. So be it. I will live in the moment and love myself through it.
While I was walking, I was craving chocolate chip cookies. I could even taste them in my mouth. I could smell the vanilla smell that is in really good choc. chip cookies. Which is odd because I stopped having junk food cravings about three years ago. And I know that if I tasted a cookie these days, especially a store bought one, it would taste like sand, crisco and sugar, and I would spit it out.
I was talking with a coach the other day, and she mentioned that adrenaline rushes and anxiety can stem from unresolved issues and unidentified emotions. For example, when you are not in tune with your feelings, your emotional needs or your body's needs, it can come across as anxiety. I wonder if this could be part of my restlessness, and my need to just go out there and run a marathon basically. If I don't, my body can't take the internal shaking, and I just crash. It is better to walk/run it off. Getting out there in nature, walking fast and getting the circulation going is one of my favorite parts of the day this summer. I think I want to reflect on the correlation between unexpressed emotion and excess adrenaline. Maybe my coach is on to something. I will post an update later if anything unfolds.

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