Saturday, October 31, 2015

Spooky good

My neighbor's ghosts came out to play!

So I was walking in the dark the other night and caught a glimpse of some goofy, grinning ghosts swaying in the evening air, hanging from a lit up tree. I snapped a quick photo with my phone and laughed. Why are folks down here celebrating a cold weather holiday in the middle of summer? Talk about rushing it! Pumpkins, hay bales and corn stalks aren't meant to come out until there's a nip in the air, guys! I know holidays seem to get pushed forward each year sooner and sooner, but come on now!
And then it hit me once again, as it has so many times already in the last couple months... this magical thought that made me smile the hugest grin ever while pausing on my walk in the warm humid night... I am living in land of perpetual and forever summer. Yes, there were lit up Christmas trees in the Target last week, and wreaths and candy canes lit up on the side of the mall as well. But I'm still wearing shorts and tank tops, and it's still way too hot to walk the dogs mid day. I still have to wait till evening. We pulled out Christmas mugs out of storage, and they're in the cupboard now, but it's way too warm to be filling them with hot cocao, lol. Instead, I drink coconut water to stay hydrated. We went to the beach last week, and we're planning a trip there in the next couple weeks as well.
My dearest friends... I am not living in Nirvana, but I'm pretty damn well close to it. A life time goal has been met, and it hasn't sunk in yet. I'm living where summer lasts all year long. I'm in Florida now. Yes, I've moved from my small town in cold and chilly Pennsylvania, and I'm now starting a new life in Florida.
My whole world has turned upside down, and I'm still pinching myself.
In a good way.

Friday, October 30, 2015


I don't know if I'll ever shake the need to be secretive. About, like, everything. Even writing this blog is a big stepping off point for me. It still feels taboo to be actually writing things that anyone could find and read.

Growing up in a highly religious home with a parent who cross examined everything I did, looking for sin and finding it where there was none... helped me unconsciously fall into the habit of feeling like I was sinning when I wasn't. I thought I was sinning pretty much most of the time even though looking back I know now I wasn't.  The hyper focus on sin has made me cross examine every little thing I do even now. I'm always fearfully looking over my shoulder, carefully dotting my I's and crossing my T's. I feel guilty about things that are innocent, like this blog. 

I was talking to one of my sisters the other day about being afraid to 'like' anything on social media. We talked about the need to make a pseudo account for ourselves so we could express ourselves more freely. The thing is, nobody that I'm 'friends' with on social media would think twice to question or guilt trip me on expressing myself. Yet, I still don't feel safe expressing myself. Being bland and colorless, saying nothing, is easier. Safer.
I remember what it was like being a sensitive soul as a child, traumatized and judged within an inch of breathing... and I just do not want to put myself out there and risk a replay of that scenario.

The fear is still there.

But not as much as it used to be.

Subconscious motto of the past: Someone's on to you.
New motto: You're safe to express yourself!
I'm re-parenting my inner child and telling her that I approve of this blog. I approve of her courage in expressing herself. I approve, and she is safe.

2. self